Stormy weather and klingon invasions

Last night went well ... I did manage to eventually get all of three hours sleep due to a rather large Klingon invasion in the land of DDP (Duck Duvet & Pillows).

The storm rolled in with great gusto last night. Lightening flashing all around and rumbling thunder thrown into the mix for good measure. It was loud. It was cold. It woke up a Klingon with an impressive fear of thunder and lightening. No amount of telling her its just the big guy upstairs playing his drum kit for the angels again, accompanied of course with excessive mirror ball action, would calm her fears. So eventually I had the littlest Klingon of all pushed against my side in an attempt to raise my core body temperature (as if the quack feathers didn't aid that cause enough) and the oldest Klingon lying across the foot of my bed. And no foot was safe either .... every loud drum roll left her groping my legs and smothering my feet with her stomach. It was like wearing an over sized pair of human slipper socks ... only problem was these socks yelp with fear and wriggle around a lot. Not conducive to a good nights sleep.

Finally the storm passed and at 3am I decided to move the Klingons to their own beds due to being sleep deprived. I must have somehow lost my superpowers because for the life of me I couldn't pick up my biggest (almost my height) Klingon .... perhaps I do need to get to the gym again ....

I eventually got them both to their own beds and then I was able to stretch out and close my eyes for about an hour or so before the invasion began again ..............

Joys of being a protector of Klingons!

And so the cookie crumbles.....

Right ... so we moved our office from Milnerton to Stellenbosch on Monday 25th (pay day - YAY!). Stunning farm we moved to - the big boss owns it of course. So Tuesday we get called in to a staff meeting .... now the Cape Town branch has been closed officially and all the staff retrenched.

Yip ... I'm no longer an employee ... I'm now self-employed (*cough cough*) ...

So now what? Well, I'm not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself ... I'm going to take this raging bull by its crooked horns and whip it into some tasty steaks! Anyone up for a braai?

Plan of action for now is to get my tax number so they can pay me out my pension fund (which would definitely aid the "pay off the debts" fund), get my UIF sorted out and find another job. I'm seriously thinking of finding a half day job and then starting up the photography again. I love doing photography - it's a passion of mine. What I'm in the process of organising is my very own website for my photography business. I'm totally amped to get that going. There is a slight chance of acquiring some funds to get it off the ground too ... slight ... but there ... its a "wait and see" game right now. If the funds do happen, I'm going to be putting some of it towards equipment and some towards further education to aid the business. Make sure I'm all I can be and all that jazz.

So all in all the cookie may have crumbled, but from what I've heard, "they" say that the calories fall out of the cookies when they crumble and the crumbs are therefore calorie free which means they are perfect to munch up guilt free!!!! How awesome is that!!!!

Will keep you posted .....

The latest in cell phone technology

If you, like some people out there in today's fabulous society of affirmative shoppers, feel that answering your phone while you are sitting in your car leaves you at risk of being hijacked or killed, then this is what you need to get yourself ......


Good luck explaining it to the cops before they shoot your ass down for drawing a weapon.

Did you know ....

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
  (Hardly seems worth it.)
  
  
• If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  (Now that's more like it!)
  
  
• The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
  (O.M.G.!)
  
  
• A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
  
  
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
  (Creepy.)
  (I'm still not over the pig.)
  
  
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
  (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
  
  
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
  (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
  
  
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
  (30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  
  
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  
  
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
  (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
  
  
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
  (Something I always wanted to know.)
  
  
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
  (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  
  
• Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
  (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
  
  
• A cat's urine glows under a black light.
  (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
  
  
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
  (I know some people like that.)
  
  
• Starfish have no brains
  (I know some people like that too.)
  
  
• Polar bears are left-handed.
  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
  
  
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
  (What about that pig??)
  

Thanks for the email Mom! (yes that's right, this is the stuff my mother sends me!)

FML

Right, so we all get those days where we're thinking "oh my word, could anything else go wrong in this lifetime!?" or "I'm going to crawl into a hole and just DIE!"

Well there's this website called "F* My Life" ... I know I know ... what a title! But you should go read some of the stuff on there! No no no, its nothing overly dodge I promise.

Here's an example:

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML

...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

So yes, there are things in there that will make you think twice about your problems and you're bound to get a good giggle or two out of it too. (Just click on the title of this post and it will take you to the website)

Enjoy!

Cruella De Vil: Part 1

It was a dark, cold and quiet morning. I had to wake up early, so I had set my alarm to go off at 5am. The first annoying buzzing sound from my cell phone alarm went off at 5am - I promptly snoozed it ... twice ... and snuggled deeper within my warm feather duvet.

I must have switched it off instead of snoozing it because when I finally surfaced from under my duvet, clutching my cell phone in my right hand, I noticed that it was just after 6am! Great! I was running late ... again! I woke up my ever present klingon (aka Raechel) and put a warm top on her so that we could go fetch Anthea (our cleaning goddess) in Macassar. I'm not at my finest at that hour of the morning and have the tendency to look a bit like Medusa having a bad hair day. Yet I do not scare my klingons who are now used to it. Anthea also does not scare easily as she has known me since I was about 14 years old ... nothing can scare her anymore thanks to me.

Anyway, Raechel and I fetched Anthea and we started our short, and generally uneventful, drive back home.

The road twisted up the hill between the farmlands, total darkness surrounded us. All of a sudden, Bambi bounded out from the left, bent on denting my bumper! I was so surprised to see Bambi in that neck of the woods as I hit on brakes - and no, I wasn't speeding! Yes, I know it was Bambi because if someone had a dog like that they'd be on TV by now. Now I say again ... it was dark ... you never know who's out there (how's that for paranoia and too many horror movies!) and I was already running a good 30-40 minutes behind schedule, so Ms De Vil here didn't slow down or stop to see if Bambi was still breathing. I got home and inspected my car....

The bumper was cracked and some of Bambi's fur was jutting out of it from an odd angle making my car look like it had been taking Bob Martins instead of Unleaded. There was a smear of mud (... MUD not blood! ...) on the front passenger door and something that looked suspiciously like crap. Poor Bambi must have shat himself on impact. My front vent thingy which usually sits so snuggly in the position it was originally placed in, was now dangling at a very precarious angle. I promptly removed it and tossed it in my boot.

Needless to say, the day was almost a total waste of make-up, but I got through it. Driving up the same road later that evening on my way home from work, I kept a steady eye out for anything furry lying on the side of the road. There was no Bambi to be seen. I'm thinking either it was just a flesh wound and he managed to limp back to his pozzy, or he became someones dinner. It would be a darn expensive dinner to say the least! Not for the family dining on venison, but for me! Ms De Vil! Who's insurance policy is still so new they're upping her damn excess payment by R1000! Karma is such a bitch!

I took the car in to be assessed by the insurance company. They inspected the whole car and told me the bumper will have to be replaced and they'll need to fix the door too ... why? Well it seems that Bambi was not trying to buff the door with his ass ... no he was denting it. So he left a dent and crapped all over my door ... which now has to be fixed and resprayed. Oh the joys! I can just feel how light my wallet is getting as time ticks by. The bank is going to repossess my debit card!

Oh well ... so the saga will continue and I shall keep you posted....

Yours faithfully,
Cruella de Vil

Cape Town Light Show 21 May 2009

Ya, I should really start getting up earlier in the morning so that I could capture pics like these! (Thanks for the pics Joanne!)

Ohhhhh ... so this is what a wolverine looks like without fur....

I went to watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine on Tuesday evening.

Now I'm a big "comic-book-turned-movie" fan ... I loved watching the Spiderman movies, Batman movies and Iron Man to mention a few. But I'll admit ... that alone is not the attraction for me in X-Men. The eye-candy has been such a bonus! I'm a Hugh Jackman fan, what can I say!

"who took my bubble bath!?" (doesn't this remind you of bath time with the kids?)

oh yes ladies ... under all that water he is buck naked ... don't believe me .... then look below...



See ... I told you.... yes that be Mr Jackman's finely sculpted ass...

This movie was lots of fun. Besides getting to see Hugh Jackman naked, there was a fair amount of action and a storyline one could sit back and enjoy without having to think too hard. I like far-fetched movies. Hell, if I want reality I can stay at home! I go to the movies to get lost in a world that is total fiction.


Ok, now you tell me if you found this man kneeling naked in your barn if you wouldn't help him ... oh my sweet giddy aunt! I think I'd build myself a barn on the off chance he may come pop in for a visit! *Growl*

So besides the delicious Mr Jackman there are some new characters that have made their first appearance in the X-Men world. The delightfully buff looking Ryan Reynolds plays someone ... yes I forget the characters name ... well, excuse me! I was a little blinded by his awesome six pack and quirky sense of humor! So I found you a picture of him and his comic book character .....


*sigh* .... oh I think his character's name could be Deadpool? ... Yes that's it ... Wade Wilson aka Deadpool aka Weapon XI. Ok, hang on ... I need to move this screen up ... all I see are his abs as I'm typing this and damn it they're a huge distraction!!!


...


Nope ... now all I see is crotch ....



...


Ok ... so now as I was saying. This movie introduces one or two other characters too ... and it seems like they're going to be bringing movies out in the not so distant future (2012) about some of these characters. That should be fun!!!

If you haven't seen it, don't worry about what some of the critics are saying - go make up your own mind and stop being led around like a mindless minion! I really enjoyed it and I'm sure you might too!

All in all, I'm giving this movie a thumbs up. So go grab a box of popcorn and go and enjoy some time off from reality ;)

Updated freaks...

This is an email that my friend Joanne sent me about her experience with those vile beasts I mentioned a little while ago:

YUCK!!!!! We have been inundated with wolf-spiders at our house!!!!... My moms' room has a door leading out to the backyard, where we placed our porter-pool….we recently dismantled our porter-pool (it has about an 8000Lt capacity, if not more), anyhoo... there was water everywhere and as I decide to walk past my moms' door 2 of these suckers decide it's time to run...needless to say I nearly had an "accident"...they purposely waited for my foot to be between them and the safety of my moms' room (bastards!!!)...my mother then ran into her room armed with Target...she sprays the bastards & sweeps what she thinks is dead bodies out the door...2 seconds later, she's screaming...the spiders are trying desperately to make it into her room again...I of course was nowhere to be seen…(wish I had a camera)...she swats them with the broom, by now one is dead…finally….the other is still hanging on for dear life & gets swept out the room again....we still don't know if it eventually died!?! You had to be there, it was so funny….but not at the time of course.

Yip ... you gotta love the resilience of these little freaks .... we could probably take a lesson from them about how to handle things in life.

1. Look menacing;
2. Stare without blinking at anything bigger than you without being intimidated;
3. Intimidate everything around you;
   
4. Build immunity to anything that could take away your life-force;
5. Deal with blows that may come your way without letting them squish your guts out or make you loose a limb;
6. Fight back;
7. Be stealthy and wait for the perfect opportunity to get your revenge.
   

Want to add anything to that???

Bringing SEXY back ....

So there I was, sitting in the movie last night wondering "why oh why haven't I done this in such a long time!?" ... I love going to the movies. Ok, the fact that its so bloody expensive now does not help. I mean really - what the hell are they thinking? R45 for a damn ticket! Yes, I know I know ... movie club, right? ... well no ... apparently my movie card gets cancelled like my gym membership if I don't use it for a certain period of time. What the heck is that about?!

Talking about gym .... I'm seriously thinking of joining up again. Where I'd find the time to actually go is beyond me, but it sounds like a great idea. I'm liking the sound of those Zumba classes the gym is offering now ... check it out on: http://www.virginactive.co.za/app/webroot/zumba/ ... and tell me if that doesn't look interesting. Ok, I feel I should probably mention that when it comes to anything above "stretch & tone" in a gym I'm one of the most uncoordinated people on the planet! Oh I do eventually get the hang of it, but it takes a long time ... and during that long time you'll find me lying on the floor hysterical with laughter because of my ability to take out at least three people in my orbit. You've got to admit, some of those skinny chicks need to be taken out by a galaxy! Prancing around there as if they're just oh so gorgeous and hot - forgetting that they look a little anorexic. Pffftttt! I'd never be able to be anorexic ... heaven knows I just love my food too much - hence my voluptuous curves. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't men prefer woman to have a little flesh on them? Surely they'd want to cuddle something soft and comfortable that can't be covered with a pillowcase? Surely they're not into snogging a bag of bones??? Ok, I wouldn't put that past some people, but we're not talking about necrophilia here (that means someone who is attracted to corpses). So my thighs are a little wider than they were when I was 18. So my boobs are a little bigger since having three kids devour them for a year and a half each. So my waist is a few centimeters wider than it used to be. So what!? You know what? I believe that you can be as big as a giant 6ft cow that's the size of a baby elephant, and you can still be sexy ....

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-565909/Pictured-The-giant-6ft-cow-big-small-elephant.html

Yes, you can still be sexy, you glorious bovine! You have it in you - everyone does ... even those cross-dressers out there. Its all about the attitude you have about yourself. If you're going to walk around with a self-hating thing going on its going to show ... no matter what you actually look like. So the key is to start loving and accepting who you are. And if you don't like who you are ... well don't just sit there feeling all sorry for yourself ... that's just irritating ... do something about it. No one can do it for you. Only you have the power.

So come on now ... lets bring sexy back in a big/voluptuous/curvaceous way! Who's with me???? (I am woman, hear me ROAR!!!!!!)

TRUE FRIENDSHIP (none of that sissy crap)

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card, just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

• When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
• When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
• When you smile - I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
• When you are scared - I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
• When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
• When you are confused - I will try to use only little words.
• When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
• When you fall - I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

This is my oath. I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer

Now I understand that the art of sarcasm and wit does not come easy for some of you, so I found some choice ones that you can memorise and pull out of your hat like a brilliant magician of conversation, making you look witty and clever. I have many of these that I like to use on the odd occasion when the need arises ... and we all know someone we can use it on - you know the ones ... they're usually wearing a sign or have it stamped on their foreheads. Some may find some of these offensive. We'll have a moment of silence for you later. For those of you brave enough to throw one or two of these into a conversation, make sure you've got your timing right or you're going to look like a total tit.

Enjoy...

• Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
  
• I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop
  
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
  
• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw
  
• He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
  
• If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? - Charles Pierce
  
• You have delighted us long enough - Jane Austen
• A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Winston Churchill
• He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - Irvin S. Cobb
• He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker
• He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder
  

More to follow soon ..........

... for all you spider lovers out there....

Ok now ... enough said.....

WHAT THE HELL?!

ARE YOU FRIGGEN KIDDING ME?! I'm with you on this one Caz ... "Shrink you bastards, SHRINK!!!"

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/05/090505-spiders-bigger-global-warming.html

I have a problem with anything that has more legs than a cat or a dog. Its kind of why I prefer "camping" in a hotel or B&B with running hot water and flushing toilets. Doom is my friend ... Baygon is too ... and if you are a bunny hugger and don't like killing things you can kick the spiders convulsing vile carcass under the fridge just so you don't have to see it jerking around and feel bad about it. I mean really, have you seen how many of these vile spawn of satan are actually immune to Doom!!! IMMUNE!!! What the HELL! And I'm soooooooooo sorry ... I'm not about to get my perfectly gorgeous Nine West's full of spider guts by slamming them (from a respectable distance of course) into a wall. THAT would just be stupid. Generally I see a rain spider and I close the door to that room and hope I don't have to go in there any time soon. Bit of a problem if you have one bathroom and are in need of a good release. And those buggers are UBER strong too. How do I know that, you ask? Well make yourself semi comfy (Caz, grab a barf bag) and I'll tell you all about it.....

Ready? (oh stop being such a baby ... just read it and get the heebiejeebies later!)

Ok, so one calm and perfectly lovely evening I walk into my en-suite bathroom in a house I was staying in (this was a while ago btw ... at least 6 years ago). So I walk in there all innocent like, just minding my own business, on the way to take care of some business, when ... WHAM!!! ... I stop dead in my tracks. After some mild self-resuscitation, I backed out slowly and stealthily so as not to disturb the rather large arachnid on my shower door .... HOLY CRAP ... it was HUGE. It was UGLY. It was staring at me. It was going to EAT ME!!!! I all but levitated at an excruciating speed and asked the men in my living room if one of them would be so kind as to come and dispose of a MONSTER in my bathroom as I needed to pee and my eyeballs were floating and it was going to get ugly if they didn't. They ignored me. I was contemplating peeing in one of the pot plants when one of them saved the day. He decided to catch it ..................... I know what you're thinking ..... is he totally MENTAL ... that thing could chew his face off and my money was on the spider. He moved in for the grab ... he grabbed ... he caught it .... and promptly threw it with all his strength into the toilet to flush it down. But alas, not only was this devils spawn FIGHTING to get out of his grasp, it was NOT going to be flushed to the local sewage plant this night. Yes, it jumped right out of the toilet bowl. By this time my would be hero was getting a little freaked out by the actions of this vile beast. One last attempt saw him grabbing the mutant eight-legged freak and throw it out the window behind the toilet. As he slammed the window shut, we heard a thud and noticed that it was against the glass of the window. I decided to sleep in the guest room that evening knowing that the mutant would try getting in again and eat me. I didn't see it again ... and took great delight in the idea that some mutant vampire bat had nabbed it for a midnight snack. Ok don't go bursting my bubble now and telling me that there are no mutant vampire bats!!!!

Moral of the story? Make Doom/Baygon/Target your best friend and keep your Nine West's clean....

Diamonds in the rough...

Geez! So much for blogging everyday.....

Ok ok, don't panic (especially you,Caz - leave it to the rainspiders to make you do your dance) ... I'm back I'm back!!!!

The last two weeks have been a bit of a mess for me. Now for those of you who actually know me well, you'll know me as someone who doesn't generally let her emotions get to her or rule her. This has not changed, but I am trying to get more in tune with my "so-typical-emotional-woman-side". We'll call her "Stews" from now on. Well yes, Stews does have the ability to piss me off chronically and I do want to slap her and tell her to pull herself together and stop being such a chick ... when I have to stop myself and say: 1. "Do I really want to be slapping myself?" (I mean really) and 2. "Oh wait ... I am a chick" (Can you sense all the feminists out there frothing at the mouth at that statement? Bwahahahaha).

"So whats been happening over the last two weeks?" I hear you ask. Brilliant question my learned friends. Well I'm not going to tell you.

...

Ok fine! I will! (Twist my rubber arm why don't you).

...

I am now officially a divorcee. I had to go to court on Monday 4 May. It was daunting. It was terrifying. It was nerve-wrecking. It was over so quickly. And it was not as glam as the wedding. I'll be honest I didn't quite know how to feel afterwards. It took a while to sink in. I had my wonderful support friend with me (thank you Tanya, you amazing woman) who took me for breakfast straight after ... she's also the one who came and had a drink with me the night before (wonder if I'm going to get it for drinking on a Sunday night - sacrilege!!!). That's what friends are for after all ... to help you in times of need and to be there for you no matter what. Ok friends like that are few and far between. So when you do find the odd gem in the diamond fields of life, hold on to it even if they threaten to blow your arm off with an AK-47 to get it from you (...and that arb thought was my tribute to all the blood diamonds out there). So anyhoo, the whole thing was over pretty quickly and without any hiccups. I'll be honest here ... its kind of like having to deal with a death in the family ... only difference is you still speak to and see the deceased. Of course if that were truly the case I'd probably be in Groen Dakkies right now, but I'm not talking about the ex being deceased ... I'm talking about the marriage. So now I'm going to grieve for the death of the marriage ... the closing of that chapter in my life. And I'm sure its going to take some time. But as they always say ... baby steps ... live one day at a time.

Through this whole thing I have realised who my true and trustworthy friends are. There have been many surprises in these discoveries. I've always known a lot of people, but few of those I could really call "true friend". There are a handful of people who have been there for me through thick and thin. Those trusted friends that might not have agreed with me, but have understood. The ones who haven't judged. The ones who have been totally great throughout. I can't imagine not having friends around me. Yes I have my moments of being an introvert (surprise surprise) and needing to "disappear" for periods of time to collect myself again, but I've always loved being around my true friends. Don't you just love it? You can sit around and not have to entertain them. You can burp and fart in front of them ... hell, they'll probably join in and you'll end up having a farting competition (which you will gracefully let them win as you grab your smelling salts?). These are the friends that know your dirty secrets (and that's not the skid marks in the undies from that unspeakable farting competition) and yet still love and adore you. These are the friends you can call at 3am and they'll haul their sleepy asses and Medusa styled hair out of their warm cozy beds in the dead of winter and come to your rescue. These guys deserve a medal, but they probably won't need it because you are enough of a medal anyway. And you can always pay your membership fees to that exclusive club off on some sort of payment plan (will that be straight or budget, Sir?).

So, *raises her glass of pink bubbles* ... here's to all the great friends that I have - the old and the new. You guys are phenomenal and you know who you are. Love you all dearly!

xxx
M