Updated freaks...

This is an email that my friend Joanne sent me about her experience with those vile beasts I mentioned a little while ago:

YUCK!!!!! We have been inundated with wolf-spiders at our house!!!!... My moms' room has a door leading out to the backyard, where we placed our porter-pool….we recently dismantled our porter-pool (it has about an 8000Lt capacity, if not more), anyhoo... there was water everywhere and as I decide to walk past my moms' door 2 of these suckers decide it's time to run...needless to say I nearly had an "accident"...they purposely waited for my foot to be between them and the safety of my moms' room (bastards!!!)...my mother then ran into her room armed with Target...she sprays the bastards & sweeps what she thinks is dead bodies out the door...2 seconds later, she's screaming...the spiders are trying desperately to make it into her room again...I of course was nowhere to be seen…(wish I had a camera)...she swats them with the broom, by now one is dead…finally….the other is still hanging on for dear life & gets swept out the room again....we still don't know if it eventually died!?! You had to be there, it was so funny….but not at the time of course.

Yip ... you gotta love the resilience of these little freaks .... we could probably take a lesson from them about how to handle things in life.

1. Look menacing;
2. Stare without blinking at anything bigger than you without being intimidated;
3. Intimidate everything around you;
   
4. Build immunity to anything that could take away your life-force;
5. Deal with blows that may come your way without letting them squish your guts out or make you loose a limb;
6. Fight back;
7. Be stealthy and wait for the perfect opportunity to get your revenge.
   

Want to add anything to that???

Bringing SEXY back ....

So there I was, sitting in the movie last night wondering "why oh why haven't I done this in such a long time!?" ... I love going to the movies. Ok, the fact that its so bloody expensive now does not help. I mean really - what the hell are they thinking? R45 for a damn ticket! Yes, I know I know ... movie club, right? ... well no ... apparently my movie card gets cancelled like my gym membership if I don't use it for a certain period of time. What the heck is that about?!

Talking about gym .... I'm seriously thinking of joining up again. Where I'd find the time to actually go is beyond me, but it sounds like a great idea. I'm liking the sound of those Zumba classes the gym is offering now ... check it out on: http://www.virginactive.co.za/app/webroot/zumba/ ... and tell me if that doesn't look interesting. Ok, I feel I should probably mention that when it comes to anything above "stretch & tone" in a gym I'm one of the most uncoordinated people on the planet! Oh I do eventually get the hang of it, but it takes a long time ... and during that long time you'll find me lying on the floor hysterical with laughter because of my ability to take out at least three people in my orbit. You've got to admit, some of those skinny chicks need to be taken out by a galaxy! Prancing around there as if they're just oh so gorgeous and hot - forgetting that they look a little anorexic. Pffftttt! I'd never be able to be anorexic ... heaven knows I just love my food too much - hence my voluptuous curves. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't men prefer woman to have a little flesh on them? Surely they'd want to cuddle something soft and comfortable that can't be covered with a pillowcase? Surely they're not into snogging a bag of bones??? Ok, I wouldn't put that past some people, but we're not talking about necrophilia here (that means someone who is attracted to corpses). So my thighs are a little wider than they were when I was 18. So my boobs are a little bigger since having three kids devour them for a year and a half each. So my waist is a few centimeters wider than it used to be. So what!? You know what? I believe that you can be as big as a giant 6ft cow that's the size of a baby elephant, and you can still be sexy ....

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-565909/Pictured-The-giant-6ft-cow-big-small-elephant.html

Yes, you can still be sexy, you glorious bovine! You have it in you - everyone does ... even those cross-dressers out there. Its all about the attitude you have about yourself. If you're going to walk around with a self-hating thing going on its going to show ... no matter what you actually look like. So the key is to start loving and accepting who you are. And if you don't like who you are ... well don't just sit there feeling all sorry for yourself ... that's just irritating ... do something about it. No one can do it for you. Only you have the power.

So come on now ... lets bring sexy back in a big/voluptuous/curvaceous way! Who's with me???? (I am woman, hear me ROAR!!!!!!)

TRUE FRIENDSHIP (none of that sissy crap)

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card, just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

• When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
• When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
• When you smile - I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
• When you are scared - I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
• When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
• When you are confused - I will try to use only little words.
• When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
• When you fall - I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

This is my oath. I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer

Now I understand that the art of sarcasm and wit does not come easy for some of you, so I found some choice ones that you can memorise and pull out of your hat like a brilliant magician of conversation, making you look witty and clever. I have many of these that I like to use on the odd occasion when the need arises ... and we all know someone we can use it on - you know the ones ... they're usually wearing a sign or have it stamped on their foreheads. Some may find some of these offensive. We'll have a moment of silence for you later. For those of you brave enough to throw one or two of these into a conversation, make sure you've got your timing right or you're going to look like a total tit.

Enjoy...

• Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
  
• I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop
  
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
  
• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw
  
• He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
  
• If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? - Charles Pierce
  
• You have delighted us long enough - Jane Austen
• A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Winston Churchill
• He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - Irvin S. Cobb
• He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker
• He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder
  

More to follow soon ..........

... for all you spider lovers out there....

Ok now ... enough said.....

WHAT THE HELL?!

ARE YOU FRIGGEN KIDDING ME?! I'm with you on this one Caz ... "Shrink you bastards, SHRINK!!!"

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/05/090505-spiders-bigger-global-warming.html

I have a problem with anything that has more legs than a cat or a dog. Its kind of why I prefer "camping" in a hotel or B&B with running hot water and flushing toilets. Doom is my friend ... Baygon is too ... and if you are a bunny hugger and don't like killing things you can kick the spiders convulsing vile carcass under the fridge just so you don't have to see it jerking around and feel bad about it. I mean really, have you seen how many of these vile spawn of satan are actually immune to Doom!!! IMMUNE!!! What the HELL! And I'm soooooooooo sorry ... I'm not about to get my perfectly gorgeous Nine West's full of spider guts by slamming them (from a respectable distance of course) into a wall. THAT would just be stupid. Generally I see a rain spider and I close the door to that room and hope I don't have to go in there any time soon. Bit of a problem if you have one bathroom and are in need of a good release. And those buggers are UBER strong too. How do I know that, you ask? Well make yourself semi comfy (Caz, grab a barf bag) and I'll tell you all about it.....

Ready? (oh stop being such a baby ... just read it and get the heebiejeebies later!)

Ok, so one calm and perfectly lovely evening I walk into my en-suite bathroom in a house I was staying in (this was a while ago btw ... at least 6 years ago). So I walk in there all innocent like, just minding my own business, on the way to take care of some business, when ... WHAM!!! ... I stop dead in my tracks. After some mild self-resuscitation, I backed out slowly and stealthily so as not to disturb the rather large arachnid on my shower door .... HOLY CRAP ... it was HUGE. It was UGLY. It was staring at me. It was going to EAT ME!!!! I all but levitated at an excruciating speed and asked the men in my living room if one of them would be so kind as to come and dispose of a MONSTER in my bathroom as I needed to pee and my eyeballs were floating and it was going to get ugly if they didn't. They ignored me. I was contemplating peeing in one of the pot plants when one of them saved the day. He decided to catch it ..................... I know what you're thinking ..... is he totally MENTAL ... that thing could chew his face off and my money was on the spider. He moved in for the grab ... he grabbed ... he caught it .... and promptly threw it with all his strength into the toilet to flush it down. But alas, not only was this devils spawn FIGHTING to get out of his grasp, it was NOT going to be flushed to the local sewage plant this night. Yes, it jumped right out of the toilet bowl. By this time my would be hero was getting a little freaked out by the actions of this vile beast. One last attempt saw him grabbing the mutant eight-legged freak and throw it out the window behind the toilet. As he slammed the window shut, we heard a thud and noticed that it was against the glass of the window. I decided to sleep in the guest room that evening knowing that the mutant would try getting in again and eat me. I didn't see it again ... and took great delight in the idea that some mutant vampire bat had nabbed it for a midnight snack. Ok don't go bursting my bubble now and telling me that there are no mutant vampire bats!!!!

Moral of the story? Make Doom/Baygon/Target your best friend and keep your Nine West's clean....

Diamonds in the rough...

Geez! So much for blogging everyday.....

Ok ok, don't panic (especially you,Caz - leave it to the rainspiders to make you do your dance) ... I'm back I'm back!!!!

The last two weeks have been a bit of a mess for me. Now for those of you who actually know me well, you'll know me as someone who doesn't generally let her emotions get to her or rule her. This has not changed, but I am trying to get more in tune with my "so-typical-emotional-woman-side". We'll call her "Stews" from now on. Well yes, Stews does have the ability to piss me off chronically and I do want to slap her and tell her to pull herself together and stop being such a chick ... when I have to stop myself and say: 1. "Do I really want to be slapping myself?" (I mean really) and 2. "Oh wait ... I am a chick" (Can you sense all the feminists out there frothing at the mouth at that statement? Bwahahahaha).

"So whats been happening over the last two weeks?" I hear you ask. Brilliant question my learned friends. Well I'm not going to tell you.

...

Ok fine! I will! (Twist my rubber arm why don't you).

...

I am now officially a divorcee. I had to go to court on Monday 4 May. It was daunting. It was terrifying. It was nerve-wrecking. It was over so quickly. And it was not as glam as the wedding. I'll be honest I didn't quite know how to feel afterwards. It took a while to sink in. I had my wonderful support friend with me (thank you Tanya, you amazing woman) who took me for breakfast straight after ... she's also the one who came and had a drink with me the night before (wonder if I'm going to get it for drinking on a Sunday night - sacrilege!!!). That's what friends are for after all ... to help you in times of need and to be there for you no matter what. Ok friends like that are few and far between. So when you do find the odd gem in the diamond fields of life, hold on to it even if they threaten to blow your arm off with an AK-47 to get it from you (...and that arb thought was my tribute to all the blood diamonds out there). So anyhoo, the whole thing was over pretty quickly and without any hiccups. I'll be honest here ... its kind of like having to deal with a death in the family ... only difference is you still speak to and see the deceased. Of course if that were truly the case I'd probably be in Groen Dakkies right now, but I'm not talking about the ex being deceased ... I'm talking about the marriage. So now I'm going to grieve for the death of the marriage ... the closing of that chapter in my life. And I'm sure its going to take some time. But as they always say ... baby steps ... live one day at a time.

Through this whole thing I have realised who my true and trustworthy friends are. There have been many surprises in these discoveries. I've always known a lot of people, but few of those I could really call "true friend". There are a handful of people who have been there for me through thick and thin. Those trusted friends that might not have agreed with me, but have understood. The ones who haven't judged. The ones who have been totally great throughout. I can't imagine not having friends around me. Yes I have my moments of being an introvert (surprise surprise) and needing to "disappear" for periods of time to collect myself again, but I've always loved being around my true friends. Don't you just love it? You can sit around and not have to entertain them. You can burp and fart in front of them ... hell, they'll probably join in and you'll end up having a farting competition (which you will gracefully let them win as you grab your smelling salts?). These are the friends that know your dirty secrets (and that's not the skid marks in the undies from that unspeakable farting competition) and yet still love and adore you. These are the friends you can call at 3am and they'll haul their sleepy asses and Medusa styled hair out of their warm cozy beds in the dead of winter and come to your rescue. These guys deserve a medal, but they probably won't need it because you are enough of a medal anyway. And you can always pay your membership fees to that exclusive club off on some sort of payment plan (will that be straight or budget, Sir?).

So, *raises her glass of pink bubbles* ... here's to all the great friends that I have - the old and the new. You guys are phenomenal and you know who you are. Love you all dearly!

xxx
M